Life in the Cracker Factory

like a dog in a kennel.

that;s how she looked. actually, i've seen dogs in kennels and well....they look better. perhaps a dog with mange in the corner of a kennel? i dunno. i'd have to see pics to compare.

it is no secret that i do not like my mother. or that we don't have a relationship. or that i really go see her in the nursing home. cuz why should i have a relationship with her just because she's in a nursing home? it's been a long year and some weeks since i found her lying on the floor of her filthy fetid apartment where she had been for nearly 48 hours in a soiled diaper.

i went crazy last year trying to fight to get her long-term nursing care. it took nearly a year, but i finally did it. months of paperwork, assets being spent down, planning funerals, etc. all to make sure that she got the care that she needs. she cannot care for herself. someone has to do it, and it can't be me. for numerous reasons.

i thought i made the right decision. the place that took her in as sub-acute after the mini-strokes / mri seemed nice. she liked it. more importantly, they weren't going to move her when she went to medicaid. most homes will if there no medi bed available - or at least that's what they told me when i called. so she stayed there. 30 minutes away. where i thought they were taking care of her. i was wrong.

it's so easy for me to blame her for things. she let herself go - didn't take her meds, always depressed, always isolated. always alone and refusing to do anything to help herself. her apartment was evidence enough of that. my whole life this has been happening. my whole life wondering when she was going to take responsibility for herself and let me live my life and stop raising her. i thought this was the solution. i thought i was free once and for all from hving to raise my mother. i was wrong.

aj hates going there. i do too. i hate having her here - she picks at herself. sheds eplithelials all over my car and house. she whines like a 5 year old. she can't have a conversation. she has horrid dandruff and picks at her skin. it's foul. she leaves her room at the nursing home like a mess. i thought it was her being her. her MO if you will. once a slob, always a slob i figure. i was wrong.

thursday i went in for her annual care meeting where they discuss all the things that have been going on over the past year. i was told that she had refused showers - for a tleast a week - and got nasty with an aide. now she is a bitch, but i don't know if she's capable of being nasty like that. she's too childlike now. i digress. i was told that she's been sleeping 20+ hours a day, and watches tv the others. i was told she had to be put back into PT & OT because her muscles are atrophying again. then i saw her. and vomited a little in my mouth.

i can't begin to describe how i felt. or how she looked. i've seen better looking homeless people in nyc. cleaner even. but she's not homeless. and i freaked. on her. she'll be 54 in two weeks and she can't get up to take a shower? wtf? she can't tidy up her half of teh room? she can't put away her things? she can't put the laundry in the hamper? come on! she should be leaving the room....she should be doing this or that. she should be.....i was wrong.

i went back today to bring her some gentler soap and some fixodent. at 10:20am. i greeted the nurs with "good morning beverly! how is she today?" and was met with "i dunno....when yu get her up, tell her the face cream came in." so i go in, wake her up and realize she's in the same exact thing i saw her in on thursday - stains and all. and on thursday, it was at least a day in those clothes. i know she showered last thurs. i saw them take her into the shower room. and apparently she put back on the same clothes. gah. i turned around and saw three, yes, three days of "snacks" on her tray (which, btw, sits in the sun) of opened milk cartons and cheese sandwiches....at least i think it was cheese. so i went nuts.

why didn't you change? i did, didn't i? uh...no.

why is there three days of snacks here rotting? i forgot to throw them out.

why is the same pile of dirty clothes sitting beside your bed? i dunno.

why, oh why can't she just do the little things?!!? i wanted to scream, to run out of there and wash myself with borax. the aide was taking her for a shower. so i left. i stopped at the nurses station and asked beverly is she has been more compliant since our meeting - my reponse? you're gonna love this. "how should i know? i haven't been here all weekend" and didn't even lift her head to look at me.

then it hit me. it's not her. she can't help being mentally ill. she can't help being depressed. yes, to a point she can. i will not excuse her from everything - but damnit....that's why she's there! so she can be taken care of. taking care of someone is NOT leaving rotting food in their room in the sun for three fucking days. it's not letting them sit in their own filth and not shower. it is certinately not letting someone sleep for 20+ hours a day and not force them out of their rooms. no wonder she's flying downhill....they're pushing her!

so i started. and i bitched, and i moaned and i threatened to call in the state. they're moving her off the mental floor and upstairs to a better floor where the nurses aren't dealing with the severely mentally ill. they will make her shower up there. they will make her go to activities and not let her sleep all goddamn day long. this they assure me.

the social worker used the word "neglect" - said the nurses on the second get complacient - she will start writing everyone up. my girls in admissions who saved my sanity a year ago made the move without hearing the whole story. they assured me it won't happen again. they told me how great this one nurse is upstairs on three. how he always gets the residents out and about, and makes them friends.

so i told her. and she cried. thought she was being punished for having to move. i tried to explain it's nothing she did....but what they didn't do. she doesn't understand. she's afraid.

and so now i sit here. wondering if i did the right thing? i know by complaining, they will take better care of her. i know they know i'm sniffing now....and if i don't like what i smell i will pull the alarm. i will go in there armed for bear.

but did i do the right thing? should i give it time to see if it improves? but what about the other patients? don't they deserve better too? what happens if i call in the state? if they shut it down, where will she go?

i just don't know what to do and i feel so lost. and like such a horrible person. for not seeing it earlier. for not caring enough. for not realizing that despite her ability to do something, the depression and isolation is taking that away from her. ftlog....this is not the 1700's - ben franklin's design of solitary in prisions to reform just made them crazy with the "eye of god" - wtf makes these people think isolation was good idea to allow?

i'm just so lost. and now i have to put on my hat (no shower for me today....eek) and a smile and work the bookfair. for my son. sigh.

is it monday yet?

most people think i'm nuts for loving monday's. i'm really not. it's my sanity day. my life goes back to normal day. susanna hoff can keep her sunday's....i want monday! by sunday my patience is gone. hell, it's gone by friday night.

the boys do nothing but bicker. they drive me nuts! the big one refuses to understand that the little one is hello....6. and yeah, so he blabs all damn day and night. isn't that what 6 year olds do? so he wants to understand what goes on in the damn baseball game. he's trying for god's sake! he's trying to bond! but noooooooooooo - it turns into an argument. every. damn. time.

don't get me wrong. the non-stop blahblahblahblah is really freaking annoying at times. but hey. come on. can we have just one normal weekend? ugh!

i try so hard to mediate. i try to remind the big that the little will resent him. i try to placate the little. it's a never ending battle. i even try to hide with stamps. then i ran out of copic colors. damn. so it forced me back into the center of it all.

so where the hell is my monday already??!!? i need my sanity back!!!! and a trip to the lss for more copics!

(gee. i guess the pms and mets loss is really making me bitchy today. yikes! my apologies!)

my legs are killing me!

looking for a good burn?

decorate your local school for a book fair. squat for hours on end, okay, on and off for about three hours per day for at least two days. combine with sitting cross-legged on the floor and having to get up and move every few feet.

i guarantee it will burn. like a mother. and you will feel like hell for at least two days with your thigh muscles.

or you can just do normal things like chiara and boot camp.

obviously i need more boot camp and less decorating ;)

hell in a handbag

that's what my night will be if this damn impending storm interrupts my grey's. i need fios. i'm sick of directv.  i hate rain fade. and why, oh, why, on the most important night of the new season?!?!?!?

DO YOU HEAR ME MOTHER NATURE? STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM 9-11PM! GOT IT?

(think that'll work?)

the one where he looses.....

no. not baseball. although he lost that too.

funny aside: the "star" on the team threw the ball to the third baseman to make a play. he threw pretty damn hard. the third baseman ducked and covered his head.

wanna guess who's who and kick me for not having my camera???

okay. so it was a little about baseball. not much tho. plenty more to come in that dept. trust me.

this is about my boy and his snaggle-tooth.

his top front teeth have been loose for MONTHS. they haven't had roots in forever it seems. wiggle, wiggle. mostly they just were there for show and the occassional whining about pain. the poor kid was eating on the side of his mouth, kwim? i said i should take him to get them yanked, but i was meat with opposition. from the other boy. the big one. thought i was being "ridiclious" and "paranoid" - ya know, the words that scare every neurotic person into normalcy and compliance? yeah. those.

so fast forward to sunday. the little one whines about his teeth asks for an apple. so i hand him an oreo. yep. mother of the year...no apples in the house, but hey! gnaw on an oreo!

when he cried in pain from trying to bite it with his front teeth, i investigated as all good mothers do. i pulled up is lip like you do a dog adn saw something white. i figured it was oreo inside. then it occurred to me the reason i bought the oreo's was the orange filling. duh. oreo's bad = orange filling....okay.

upon further inspection it occurred to me that HELLO....it's a tooth! growing horiziontally out of the kids upper gum. great. snaggle tooth. he can hold his snack on it. he will be made fun of, tortured and ohmygawd why do i listen to my husband?!!??

needless to say the dentist is a doll. got me right in yesterday afternoon (and aj was pissed he missed the wedding cake from when q & u got married earlier in the day....but his teacher saved him a slice) and took a billion x-rays. turns out that the kids tooth is in fact growing outward.

my loving hockey playing great with kids dmd wanted to pull them to reduce the pressure on the growing - in tooth so hopefully with any luck it will come down naturally and not be a shelf in the kids mouth. of course my son capitalizes on the opportunity to make sure dr. strober's office sends the tooth fairy a "text to make sure she knows it was an emergency" - and hey! "now i'll get two tooth money AND emergency money!" - tell me he's not gonna be rich some day....oy vey.

so in honor of my impending orthodantia bill, may i present to you my toothless wonder....

doesn't this just look soooooo good?

and i didn't even have a nibble of one.

scouts honor.

you may now resume your regular monday morning scheduling. and remember....food porn is better than the taste...you can keep looking at pictures without gaining an ounce!

we must be crazy.

john and i, after three years of being pet-less have come to the decision that the boy needs a dog. sigh.

here's the rub. cuz really, with me, isn't there always a rub? yeah. i know.

aj is allergic to dogs. i hate animal hair on my furniture, clothing, flying around indescriminately in the air...just hate it. i too have a dog allergy, but no where near as bad as my cat allergy (we're talking full on snot can't breathe, can't see, oh my gawd call 911 allergy). so we need a dog that does NOT shed. oh, and it needs to be small considering we have a family of 3 inhabiting a 800sf house. a wee bit crowded...ya think?

this seriously limits our options.

so it appears we will need a designer doggie.  like a schnoodle, or a cockapoo. but really....i want a yorkie. a sweet, quiet, docile little girl. basically the antithesis of me. but still a bitch. get it? a female dog....bitch? ha! okay. it's early....give me a break.

oh, and if the order wasn't tall enough, john does NOT want to pay $1000 for a dog. yeah. okay. so i need to find a hypoallergenic, adorable, kid friendly, well mannered, even tempered, fluff ball from a responsible breeder (to reduce the chance of a puppy mill reject like mugsy was) for under a grand.

cuz i don't have enough to do. sigh.

it's really the little things

and the furry ones too!

no. i will NOT be getting an animal. i live with two....that's more than enough!

what i will say is it's amazing how your entire day can be transformed from shit to shining in just a few clicks  of a button. how you ask? easy.

first of all - my camera is being a butthead. in all reality, it's most likely the CF card, but still. spent two hours trying to upload pics from the camera to ebay only to find out that the pictures were corrupted some how. ugh. wanna talk about a wasted morning? not to mention highly pissed off? thankfully i didn't loose anything but ebay pics, but still. it's gonna be a pita to retake all those pics and edit all my listings to include them.

somewhere between cursing and reformatting my cf card i realized that my flip-flopped, french manicured feet were freezing! it's almost ugg time! woohoo! one problem - i got caught in the rain last semester and all but destroyed in the insoles. and really....what's the point of wearing uggs if the insoles are all matted, worn and well....gross?

of course nordstrom does not have my size. grrrrr. nor do i really want to replace two pairs of otherwise perfect uggs.

so i clicked. and i found the bright spot in my day. they sell replacement insoles!!!!!!! glory be!

$38.95 including shipping later, i now have salvation for my uggs and my cold toes. bad day turned happy in just a few clicks of my mouse.

god i love technology sometimes. too bad it comes with teeth ;)

introspection & caffeine. does it get better?

i think not.

today i've been very introspective. might have something to do with my dwelling on the last book i read that wasn't tied to a class. the alchamist by paulo cohelo is just freaking awesome and has me rethinking a few things and pushing forward on a few more.

then this evening, john got me a latte. and right there on the cup....just waiting for me to remove the sleeve and discover it....

the way i see it #293

"the way i see it
isn't necessarily
the way you see it
or the way it is
or ought to be
what's more important
is that we're all
looking for it
and a way to see it"
---- desi di nardo

and really, doesn't that just say it all? i think so. and all on a coffee cup. gotta love starbucks. i know i do.

and seriously...pick up that book.

going to bed now. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

bat wings.

to most people, bat wings are just that. wings on a bat.

we are not most people in this house. in fact, to prove my point, i will explain john's view of "bat wings" - you may want to back out of this screen now. i'm serious.

okay. i warned you. suffer if you must.

john calls "bat wings" when a man's *ahem* scrotum skin sticks to a mans thigh, hence forming a thin piece of skin (or so i'm told) connecting the thigh to the scrotum. this then causes the man to *adjust* himself to relieve the um...skin and return it to its rightful place on the body.

you're imagining this, aren't you? it's okay. i am too. picture a hot guy....like i dunno pick someone!..it makes the imagery a bit more palatable.

see what i mean about us not being normal? can't say i didn't warn you.

anyway....imagine my surprise and fits of hysterical laughter to the point of doubling over when aj brought home this:

can you now see why it remains on my refrigerator? he thinks he created a wonderful work of art. little does he know his parents are complete idiot pervs who get a kick out of sick humor? poor child.

do not worry - we have a therapy fund set up for him. with me as a mother, and well, with us as parents, he'll need it one day. maybe by then he'll get the joke and realize why i'm considering framing this picture.

oh, and btw, he did this back in may or june. i just found the pic while deleting some crap out of my iphoto...must have taken it in the days before i figured out how to use the mac to post pics to my typepad. silly me.

obviously i need a life. and a cleaner sense of humor ;)